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My Husband’s Affair Blindsided Me – Tips and Advice That Might Help
I recently heard from a wife who wrote, in part: “I found out my husband has been having an affair for six months. Someone else had to tell me. I couldn’t even do it.” -out to myself and I didn’t see it coming at all, I thought we had a good marriage, I thought we were happy, I never would have dreamed it would be un- believable to me And, I wouldn’t dream that he would deceive me that it was the woman. I feel so stupid. I feel so devastated. I am completely blind and do not know I have to get out of here.”
This email, while heartbreaking, is not that special, unfortunately. I hear variations on this almost every day. The women almost always blame and are ashamed of themselves, although this is not their own fault at all. They cannot and should not take responsibility for actions taken by their husbands. And only a fraction of women whose husbands’ affairs see this coming. Many men who have very happy marriages who have very wonderful, attentive, and desirable wives, at least at some point in their marriage, are unfaithful. This does not have to change the way you feel about yourself and your perceived ability to see the truth of the situation.
I know this is a very painful situation that can feel like there is no end in sight. But I can tell you from observation and experience that you can move past this. Many times, it is tempting to focus on the fact that you were blind rather than on where to go from here. This is a mistake that can be avoided and I will talk more about this in the following article.
do not Blame yourself if you were blind. It happens a lot more than you might think: It is very rare that I receive an email from a wife who is expecting or expecting an affair. This is the exception rather than the rule. Most of the women I wrote didn’t see the affair coming at all. They are completely shocked. But understand that this is not your fault. Almost no one goes into marriage expecting their partner to cheat on them. Furthermore, your thought process did not consider cheating because this is not an act you would do yourself. If you were approaching your marriage with doubt, suspicion, and doubt, you would be sabotaging it and you could not be fully invested. So, there is no need to blame yourself now.
And, men who cheat don’t want you to know they’re doing it. They cover their tracks well. They pretend that everything is fine. They go out of their way to work normally or even better than normal. And, whether you believe this or not, many men sincerely insist that their feelings and love for their wife have never changed. Often this is why you can feel that you were very happy and in love. You were His mistake does not mean that you are less desirable. And I’m sure that mentally, you know this. (Look at all the beautiful actresses whose husbands have been cheated on by women who didn’t even compare to their wives.) The emotional part of accepting what you know is a mind that is so hard.
When You are Ready to move forward, focus not on being overwhelmed by the transaction, but on where to go from here: It’s very easy to get depressed about how flawed you were because you didn’t see this coming. But this is an experiment to nowhere. All it does is make you blame yourself, ensure you stay stuck, and contribute to your continued unhappiness. Sometimes, this gets old enough that you pull out of it on your own. Other times, you have to force yourself to focus on other things and move on. No matter how it happens, if you want to reclaim your life and return to a healthy place, you need to shift your focus from the past to the future.
Generally, you’ll know you’re reaching this stage when you start getting angry and bothered by the same old thoughts and feelings. Often, you want to change, but you’re not sure how. The thing is, you can’t change what happened in the past. As unfortunate as that is, it is now a reality. But you are in control of your future. It can be a blank slate on which you can draw what you want.
You shouldn’t keep beating yourself up over your husband’s actions. You cannot control what someone else does. What you can control are your own actions. And you can give yourself positive affirmations and loving self-care that will ultimately influence your thoughts. This is a gradual process and I won’t tell you it will always be easy because it won’t be. Well there will be some dark days. However, if you can keep moving forward little by little, always move towards what you know is good for you, and practice real self-care, you should gradually start to feel at least some progress.
At the end of the day, you have to ask yourself what you really want. Most people will answer this question with some variation of “I just want my life back. I want to be happy again.” Unfortunately, most of us don’t realize that beating ourselves up and focusing on where we went wrong is not do anything to help us with our goals of being happy and healthy again. Yes, it’s hard to be caught off guard like this. But you can’t change that aspect of it. The thing is it is very important that you heal from this and get over it eventually.
Embrace restoring your confidence and self-worth: I always tell people not to forget to rebuild their confidence. Dealing with an issue is painful and difficult. But what makes it even worse is if you let it change the way you feel about yourself. Someone else’s actions should not change your perception of who and what you are. If it does, don’t apologize for doing whatever is necessary to restore your sense of self-worth. It is very difficult to heal for good if you have persistent doubts about yourself in your own head and heart.
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