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Disciplining a Kid the Parental-Love Way
Is occasional good for children?
Should I be a ‘free range’ parent?
If I use consequences, does that mean I’m withholding love from my child?
A Samhain Hour a cover story said parents are over-parenting. I think I am, but what should I do instead?
That’s just a sampling of what you’ve been reading in the media and blogs for the past six months. Parents have never been so confused and charged in the history of parenting. But good news! There is a refreshing response to this protest and accusation.
This answer has been under our collective noses since the dawn of parenthood: it’s parental love. Parental love is rarely fully developed. It feels so old-fashioned, we just ignore it. But when parents apply their love completely, children will always be happy and respected. Now, don’t press the delete button. This is not just another psychotherapeutic rant. See for yourself. Please take a few minutes to read the following short summary.
Here’s what I found after brushing the dust off this “old hat” but potentially powerful parenting resource I call parental love. And it took forty years and 2500 clients to reach these experimental conclusions that really work.
A basic, essential need of a child’s life (equal to feeling the need for food) is to feel and believe “I am good for who I am on the inside, not my achieve” and avoid “I’m bad.” When this belief is established, you will have a happy, respectful child. And you will feel good. Parents have the product to confirm a child’s need to believe “I am good” by constantly focusing on what is good at the center of their child, even during discipline. (Okay, it takes training, but it can be done in three weeks.) Discipline (teaching and training) is less effective when parents focus only on behavior. (That’s the typical parenting focus). But doing this puts the parent card in front of the horse. Discipline’s first order of business is to focus on and validate emotions. Here is the key: emotional validation causes the child to feel that he or she is “good” in the eyes of the parent (remember that “I am good” is an essential need for a child’s life). Now with “I’m good” established, behavior change will work better.
That’s an overview of what it means to spread your love. Now let’s go into a summary of discipline, or, in other words, teaching and training. And let’s always remember the most important discipline principle: firm, consistent, respectful, setting boundaries.
Teaching. The teaching part of discipline is to help your child acquire two essential pieces of information about living: healthy beliefs and appropriate behavior. Beliefs are central. They act as a roadmap and source of energy to determine a child’s behavior. The two basic beliefs for teaching are “I am good” and what is right and wrong (a child’s guilt system). As these beliefs are established, parents train the child to acquire appropriate behavior. And here are the guidelines for teaching parents: use the discussion method (see the next paragraph), avoid judgment, avoid negative comments, be calm, do not talk more than 25 percent of the time and during that time ask questions as much as ‘ as you can. , only make one or two points at a time, keep points short, and acknowledge your mistakes. (I bet you already use at least two or three of these.)
All parenting must begin with the child feeling that he is understood and accepted for his opinion. Only then can effective problem solving be done. This understanding and participation is achieved through the four-step discussion process shown below: Listen, Repeat, Agree, and Confirm.
“Adam, tell me what happened that made you handle your anger by hitting your sister.”
“She came into my room and started playing with my Legos. I told her to stop and she didn’t.” (Listening)
Dad repeats what Adam said that giving his points, and then asking, “Did I get it right?” (Repeat)
Dad agrees with one thing, although he knows a lot about Adam in Sarah’s room, but he bites his tongue on this one: “I agree. ought to be upset about your sister going into your room.” (Agreed)
Then Dad confirms: “I can see how tired you are of your sister coming in unannounced. Me too.” (Confirming)
Now Dad turns it around and asks Adam to listen and repeat what Dad has said. (He doesn’t want Adam to do the last two steps, agreeing and confirming. Those steps are too complicated for a preteen.) Listening and repeating takes some practice, but eventually even a three year old can learn these two steps. Now Adam and Dad understand each other and are ready to get a new behavior. That’s the training part.
Training. Training has two goals: establishing within the child (1) healthy behavior and (2) the ability to use, in the moment, the established ways of thinking and believing to choose between right and wrong behavior. A basic training task is to train your son or daughter to delay gratification. “I want it the way it is, now” doesn’t work. Again, remember the basic discipline principle: firm, consistent, respectful, setting boundaries.
Here is a summary of essential training skills:
Always recognize how good your child’s waist is during all (or at least 90 percent or so) training exercises, especially during camp sessions like “Learn to drive.”
Always shape training expectations based on your child’s (1) feelings and thoughts (put aside your own side for a while), (2) developmental level, and (3) unique personality (temperament characteristics). Special warning: don’t automatically train the way you parented if it doesn’t work for your child.
Use the VT&T certified-to-work-training series almost every time: “V” for confirmation the emotions that cause your child’s behavior, “T” for teaching why certain behaviors or beliefs are important (75 percent listening, 25 percent talking—usually asking questions), “T” for training / establishment healthy behaviors and beliefs within your child. (It helps to have your spouse or friend encourage your efforts: “Give me a V…” OK, cut it. But encouragement helps.)
Set expectations for 98 percent success when training for a new behavior. Isn’t it great to be successful right away?
Maintain a calm or near-calm tone of voice and facial expressions – expressionless either – during all training exercises. (Eighty percent will if so sorry for the 10 percent error “I’m only human.) Too much anger, too many times is harmful.
Motivation is the training engine that changes behavior: logical consequences, advantages, disadvantages. Special warning: Pain is a destructive factor; avoid the punishment. Post 3 x 5 cards with this message in several places: The biggest training motivator translated into kid-talk- “I want my mom and dad to accept me no matter what.”
Now you have the basics of what the parental control version looks like. Apply these principles to your family and you too will raise a happy, respectful child.
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