My 6 Year Old Son Says He Wants To Die Parting Before Til Death Do Us Part – The Challenges of Sustaining Relationships in Today’s World

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Parting Before Til Death Do Us Part – The Challenges of Sustaining Relationships in Today’s World

Once upon a time, a person could make a promise “till death do us part,” and consider it a meaningful promise. Unfortunately, today the very words that used to represent “lifelong relationship security,” now sound more like a fairy tale read in childhood, similar to “Sleeping Beauty.” ,” and “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.”

The society in which the “till we do part” story was founded did not have a 62% divorce rate. In the long past, 51% of adults were at no time single and not involved in a major relationship. (This summer, there was an article in Psychology Today magazine that contained that 51% statistic).

Hubert Humphrey once said that he had been married to many women during his life, all of whom were named Muriel – a sweet and true reflection on the ways in which we grow and change over time, taking into long-term relationships. People often marry before they know who they are, and therefore, they choose partners for reasons other than those that would be stable in the long term.

Also, people lack the skills and tools to commit to a long-term relationship. I also believe that it takes a village to maintain a relationship, just like it takes a village to raise a child. But the structures of our cities have broken down. Too many of us – children and adults, live like wild people trying to survive the emotional streets of our lives.

So, when I read personal growth and social awareness publishing pioneer Nina Utne’s personal essay on the dissolution of even her marriage in the March-April 2007 issue of Utne magazine, I felt like I needed to reflect much more deeply. do that anyone can count on. have maintained a long-term relationship in today’s world.

Utne writes, “Eric and I have both considered our marriage a spiritual path, and its dissolution… humbles us and calls for serious spiritual practices.”

“And we, of all people, who have spent most of our lives exploring the connections between personal growth and social change, have weathered many of the storms that beset ships. -disruption, we should be able to navigate this transition gracefully. But that’s without factors in ‘shenpa,’ a Tibetan word for the things that motivate us and make us light up and shut down.”

Unfortunately, we do not have a relational roadmap that tells us that after passing through the neurochemically rich stages of “new relational energy”, we will enter the realms of black, where we ourselves are more deeply triggered. The prompts are an invitation to learn, grow, heal – emotionally, spiritually and relationally. But without both the roadmap and the tools to navigate the terrain, too many relationships break down and fail.

Nina Utne mentions a conversation someone had with Margaret Mead about how she felt that marriages had failed. “She replied that she did not fail marriages; she had amazing partnerships that suited different stages of her life.

While that may be true for many of us, and it’s a very compassionate and perhaps useful way to handle partnership breakups and divorces, part of my heart still feels sad. to see that grain of today’s reality.

There is great value in having another walk by our side throughout our lives. I experienced this with a mentor of mine, who supported my life expanding for 17 years. He was a spiritual father to me, and I can say with full honesty, that our relationship really lasted until we parted with his sudden and unexpected death. While I was saddened by his death, it was easier to accept because of the richness of our 17 year relationship. I felt that I had so much to be grateful for, my tears of sorrow were tempered by tears of love.

I am a divorced single mother myself. And I have been that way for more years of my life and my son’s life than I could have ever imagined. On the one hand, my ex and I are still “working in pieces” in a way that many couples do not before they remember after divorce. For just about 9 years, we have been working regularly with a family therapist, to help create a safer environment for our now 11 year old son.

People are surprised by this promise we made. And yet, to me it was more important to me than any other agreement of our divorce agreement. We have agreed to engage in this family therapy until our son is in his early 20s. I know this is a promise we will keep.

I believe with all my heart that if two people have children together, they have a responsibility to work on their relationship with each other for their lives for the benefit of their children. If a couple is divorcing, they usually have more work to do than a married couple. The issues that led to the divorce do not magically disappear in the courthouse. In fact, they often need more attention so that they don’t become things that clash a lot at night and during the day.

It’s easy for people to walk away from each other, or even run away, without having looked at the skeletons in the closet, including our own personal closet that has come together made in our committed partnerships. By having a road map, there should be a third party involved in helping the participants succeed, and role models of people who take the time and do the work. emotionally to maintain and deepen long-term relationships into adulthood.

I have come to understand that for me, having a close relationship for a while, and then not having it, is more painful than a long-term relationship ending with the death of a partner.

I had to face this issue several years ago, when a man I had started seeing as a long term partner was diagnosed with cancer 6 weeks into our relationship. I remember my therapist asking me, “Do you want to continue dealing with this man who might die?” I found myself saying, “I’m not afraid that he might die. We all die eventually. In fact, I’d like to take the chance until death do us part. I’m more afraid that we won’t.” . death to lose him. I’m more afraid that I won’t until death do us part.”

Unfortunately, after only about 2 years as partners, integrating our families and lives, he decided he didn’t want a long-term partner after all. I actually walked by his side through cancer clinics and treatments. And while the cancer became a long-term chronic condition, our friendship was not something he carried with him long-term.

It is both sad and paradoxical that I am given the opportunity to use my deep relationship skills to help other couples navigate the dark areas, and with great success. I have been praying to God to give me a partner who is ready, willing and able to do this work with me. I have no desire to be a cobbler who has no shoes. And I certainly use my relationship skills in parenting my son, maintaining my deep long-term relationships, and almost every other aspect of my life.

I truly pray that I will be able to “till death do us part” and give my son a model of a healthy, stable, caring partnership between me and a man I love. This is just so much more complicated than I could have imagined growing up…and even at this middle-aged point in my life.

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