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Parents of Strong-Willed, Out of Control Children Have to Take Extra Good Care of Themselves
Parents with strong, out-of-control teenagers have to take care of themselves in ways they wouldn’t have to if their child wasn’t such an “energy drain.”
Here’s the 20-point Holy Grail of taking care of yourself emotionally:
1. Get beyond the problem in your mind and project yourself into a future where the problem may no longer matter.
2. Develop a part of you that will be an impartial and diligent observer of your out-of-control child, regardless of the situation.
3. Visualize your out-of-control daughter as a mother going through her parent-child struggle. Visualize your out-of-control son as a father dealing with his verbally abusive son.
4. When you confront (eg, struggle with, try to change) your difficult child, you are usually the one who breaks. As soon as you accept the situation for what it is, you can start to get your resources and be helpful to influence his behavior.
5. There is opportunity somewhere in this difficult experience.
6. What you learn from dealing with the difficult child will make you stronger and help you in many other areas of your life.
7. Experiment with different parenting strategies. Try new approaches. Do the last thing you thought of doing first!
8. Know that anything is possible.
9. YOUR CHILDREN’S WORK IS WORK.
10. THE HOLY WAR IS FAIR.
11. Just think for a moment about how old you are, and what you’ve been through.
12. All things work for good. It seems that something wonderful is emerging from your current difficult child situation – and you haven’t seen it yet.
13. Your most difficult people are your greatest teachers.
14. Your most difficult situations make you stronger.
15. The less you try to control others, the more you will be controlled.
16. Instead of focusing on what you don’t want, and what is going wrong, focus on what you do want, and what is going right.
17. Instead of focusing on how you are being treated badly, focus on how you can take care of yourself.
18. Let go of the resentment.
19. To let go of regret, we must first forgive!
· Is it a way to let go of resentment.
· Means letting go of the past.
· You are forgiving, not the out-of-control child.
· Is a gift you give yourself.
· Allows you to get on with your life.
· Takes time. Maybe you still can’t forgive yourself. Maybe the pain is too new. You don’t have to rush.
· It is a process. It doesn’t happen 100% overnight.
· Allows you to feel better about yourself.
· It is a choice. It’s not something you do because you should “forgive”, or because someone tells you to.
· Allows you to heal old wounds so you can get on with the really important things in life.
· Makes you restless.
Forgiveness does NOT mean:
· Forgetting. You need to remember what happened so you can defend yourself.
· You are letting anyone off the hook (except yourself).
· You must tell the out of control child that you have forgiven him/her.
· You have to trust your child who is not in control again. Trust is earned. He/she has to earn your trust back before you can trust him/her again.
· You say to the child who is out of control, “What you did to me is ‘OK.’
· You are trying to reduce his feelings of guilt.
· You are trying to make that out-of-control child feel better about himself.
· You are trying to make the out of control child feel better about you.
20. You may need to forgive yourself as well. Sometimes we cannot forgive others until we forgive ourselves.
If you are the parent of a strong, out-of-control child, you are – by definition – in an almost constant state of stress. Use the steps above to avoid the burn and crash trap.
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