My 6 Year Old Says It Burns When She Pees The Magic of Malicious Compliance – Why People Engage in Self Sabotage

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The Magic of Malicious Compliance – Why People Engage in Self Sabotage

If there is such a thing as personal dark magic, “malicious surrender” is surely one of the best and worst manifestations. Framed as an equalizer and savior, malicious surrender traps the malicious collector in a contradictory cycle of self-destructive, self-reducing revenge—which is meant to heal. In the ordinary world, the maliciously compliant person tries to harm another person by doing exactly what the other person wants. In Marin’s NLP style, what I also notice is that the maladaptive person is also trying to heal everyone in their family – the family from the they came More on this part later in the article.

Malicious compliance is a tactic to cause pain and get even. The Wikipedia entry for malicious compliance explains it well:

Malicious compliance is the conduct of a person who intentionally causes harm by strictly following regulatory orders or complying with legal enforcement, knowing that compliance with the orders will result in some form of loss and resulting in damage to the manager’s business or reputation, or loss. to an employee or subordinate. In fact, it is a form of sabotage to harm leadership or used by leadership to harm subordinates.

When labor unions want to punish management, their union members are “work to rule”. It is a no-strike method of hitting. Wiki puts it this way:

Work-to-rule is malicious compliance used as a form of business activity, where rules are deliberately followed to the letter in a deliberate attempt to increase employee productivity to reduce

As I understand it, the enlisted ranks of the military are a good source for malicious compliance stories. One is about the sergeant who ordered the privates to get tin poles and mops, and clean the floor of a large empty building. The sergeant came back a few hours later. The men were standing in the supply shed, “waiting for orders,” because the only pegs they could find in the shed were made of plastic, not tin. After all, the sergeant has assigned “tin pails”.

Here is an excerpt from a current blog. The writer describes his experience as an enlisted man in the Air Force, dealing one day with a major who was very arrogant:

As Bernie and I dutifully approached his desk, he pushed his glasses up his nose which allowed him to look at us in a very contemptuous manner. “Now boys”, he spoke so slowly and deliberately to make sure even a Neanderthal could understand. “I want this room painted white.” To add insult to injury, he ordered me to repeat his order. “You want the whole room white”, I repeated his order mechanically with special emphasis on the word “all”. The main thing didn’t raise the sarcasm in my voice but Bernie did. He kept his head down grinning from ear to ear………… Finally we settled on a solution, we would paint the room exactly as we ordered – ALL WHITE! When we hit on this solution, we were inspired……… Everything was painted “white”. Ceiling, walls, floors, window panes even the desk, chair and phone were double layered. Nothing was saved. Electrical switches, doorknobs and overhead light fixtures were not lost………… The master got his wish! (evaluation)

Malicious compliance is the best means by which the (apparently) powerless can punish, and perhaps correct, the unjust behavior of the (apparently) vicious and powerful. Children, including very young children, use the technique to try to control their families, especially their parents. A quick trip down anyone’s memory lane will reveal thousands of instances of malicious compliance, some of which are expressed as external behavior. Most instances of malicious compliance are simply deposited in the child’s mind, brilliant ideas and schemes to be drawn out later in case of serious parental injustice.

Every scheming that accidentally surrenders begins with the words, “I’ll show you!” A few simple examples:

Parent: “Go to your room, and stay there! I don’t want to see you outside that room again, do you understand me!?”

Child (in thought only): “Fine. I’ll go to my room, and I’ll never leave, and I’ll pee on the floor, and I’ll never go to school, and I starve to death, and I smell. very bad, and then you will be sorry!”

Or…

A parent, during some sort of conflict: “I don’t want to hear one more sound from you, not one more sound! Do you understand me! Do you?” Many times later, at the dinner table, long after the parent has forgotten the confusion, the child refuses to speak to anyone. The child’s plan is, “Fine. I won’t talk anymore, if that’s what you want…..and then you’ll be sorry!”

Of course, in the normal flow of family give-and-take, these fantasies of compliant revenge are short-lived; they are quickly moved by the child’s desire to reengage with parents, family, and life. Very few children succeed in never leaving their rooms again, or never speaking again, and so on. But it is the principle that counts, and the hope that underlies the principle. The principle is that the world that parents create for their children should not be unfair, capricious or cruel. The child’s hope, the most important part of all this, is that they can correct the abuse and incompetence of the parents by using “business activity for children” – by maliciously adhering to the parental authorities say they want, and what those authorities want inappropriately. sue those in power.

For example: if you, as a parent, constantly instill in your child the message, “You are worthless and will never amount to anything,” your child will be disturbed to maliciously obey you – and punish you. -by growing up and without any amount, and then you will be sorry. However, the much deeper hope for your child is that when you realize what you have caused, you will not only be sorry and feel very, very, very bad, but you really changed. When you, the parent, change, things will be better for the child – and for everyone else in the family. So, in the child’s powerful, rather than conscious, creativity area (the area of ​​beliefs and decisions), all your child has to do to make you do things better is to make sure things stay real, real , really. bad forever, or until you change, whichever comes first. (For a hilarious and very worthy display of malicious compliance, see the “soap poisoning” sequences in Gene Sheppard’s film, A Christmas Story.)

The unconscious pattern, a level of identity that grows out of this transformation of malicious compliance (“I will punish you by being what you say I am”) becomes a “good compliance” (“I’ll save us all by making you better parents”) is incredibly long-lived. A small child’s identity has no power in painful and abusive situations, except for two things: the child can control the intensity and duration of their own suffering – nothing else. In families that are deeply in pain, children have to decide that they cannot be good enough, perfect enough, smart enough, etc., to stop Mom and Dad from doing it bad This then prompts the kids to resort to their own maliciously/beautifully compliant Plan B: “Mom and Dad, I can’t stop you from making it bad , but you can’t stop me from keeping it bad, and maybe even doing. it’s worse, so I’m responsible for all this horror, not you. I can control how I feel and prove who I am, not you. I will protect you and cover you. I’ll make sure you don’t. I will hurt me instead. And I’m never going to let this change until you’ve had a chance to improve a little more and make things right, because that’s how much I love you.” So malicious compliance changes to delicious surrender.

In the Marin NLP style, we assume that all children love their parents, and that all parents love their children. This is not variable in life. What is different is how this love is displayed. Some families are lucky enough to be able to express love as love. In other families, love is shown as something twisted, torqued, and ugly. By damaging ourselves our entire lives – by maintaining a reality in which we are unworthy, unlovable, or safe, in a futile attempt to redeem our parents and correcting our family’s story – it’s a very beautiful way of very ugly love.

This is where we return to “The Worst Religion in the World.” As you may remember from our previous article, the worst belief in the world is, “The most dangerous thing I can do is to think I’m not in danger.” In addition to dealing with being trapped by the brain’s old safety pattern, everyone with this “worst belief” is also operating from a malicious and delicious compliance. The malicious phrase is something like, “I’ll tell you! If you’re going to make it so scary for me, then I’ll be scared for the rest of my life! And I hope you watch while it’s happening! we’ll be sorry!” The loving, pleasing version is, “Dear parents, if you can do nothing better than to make me afraid of being, then in your honor I will keep it totally scary, until you guys do better. to be able to be good parents. It’s not good for you if you’re not good parents.”

Therefore, to revise the “worst belief” we need to update our old safety pattern and ease ourselves away from the comfort of our equally old pattern of malicious compliance and (surprisingly , no point). The good news is that both of these transitions and revisions are available. In fact, it seems that we are all wired to naturally install these updates as soon as we are ready – as soon as we want to allow the new experiences.

Coming soon: “The best update for the worst credit”

© 2009 Carl Buchheit and NLP Marin

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