My 6 Year Old Says His Heart Is Beating Fast A Lesbian Sabotage!

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A Lesbian Sabotage!

I walked into my therapist’s office (aka my colleague who I love and adore) and sat in her comfortable client chair and with a big smile she said “Guess what? I met someone! She’s perfection, really Robin she’s gorgeous and I’m crazy about this girl!” All the while my sweet Lady Reason is shaking her head with her pen gently pressed against her lips with a half smile.

She waits for me to finish my exciting announcement of my new found love and says in her gentle but firm therapeutic tone “Wow, have you slept with her yet?” “No, Ma’am this one I’m going to take my time with and get to know…no more psychodyckos for me she’s the real deal!” The way she looks down at the ground that she always does right before she says something she thinks might hurt me “That’s great, you did well… So how you going to stop your self-sabotaging ways with this one?”

I felt my gut turn because I knew exactly what she was referring too, she’s never put it to me like that before but at least she’s seen me go through enough relationships where my mind and behavior were fighting and pushing away the one I was making. love

Have you ever started a relationship and then started to discover what is not right about the person? Oh Lord, I hate when I start this question! It’s like my heart starts beating fast and my mind slows down and says, “Now remember that everyone is crazy and wants something so DON’T trust in this person.” You start nitpicking at everything you find to reassure and empower your negative thinking.

This is the angry, hurtful, negative part of you that ALWAYS wants to be right. The part of you that says “You’re worthless, you’re ugly, stupid, everyone hates you, you’ll always be alone, or you don’t deserve to find someone, etc…” no close this part until it has made a point and that is the beginning of self-sabotage.

For some of us it’s so complicated and old that we don’t even know it’s there or realize we’re doing it, that our crappy self-esteem is slowly winning the negative power war and we’re pushing people we love or care about further. and beyond!

Back to my Robin, so I’m looking at her right now and saying “Listen here Lady, I haven’t slept with her and I think that’s pretty amazing, don’t you no? But I’m a little worried because you know she’s getting better and you know the deal is with us anytime he’s back on the dirt breathing again!” She laughs and laughs “Jeez, Alex you’re already thinking about the poor girl dating? A little stuck in fear that we are not and to focus on a future that has not happened yet! Maybe you should go check out Serenity Prayer!”

Now she annoys me to no end, but I realize right there how self-sabotaging that was and that I jumped into an unknown future and had to do as said i and read “…Living one day at a time; enjoying one moment at a time; Accepting hardship as the path to peace…”

When I left her office I started to think about my behavior towards women I’ve fallen for or fallen in love with. I really need to distract him with my “I need you right now, and don’t leave me alone” getting too close. I thought all the time I made them jealous on purpose to see a reaction of fear just to let them know it was really me.

The worst part is with every fight, some I started on purpose, I would always say “I guess it’s over, this just isn’t working for me!” Always comes from a fear of abandonment as they walk out the door to someone better (because obviously someone has to be better than me, why would you ever want to be stuck with me ?)

I would say otherwise, what I wanted to say is “Wait, hold me, kiss me, I need you!” I remembered them all saying to me at least once, “Why aren’t you crying, it’s like you don’t care and you look so cold,” and with my lips always feeling so heavy I can’t cry, “I cry when I’m alone when you’re not near me or you’ll know I care.”

Great! Now I know I love killing relationships with people I love, so how do you get over it? You change the way you think!

1. Ask yourself new questions. So instead of “I wonder what’s wrong with her” or “Will she stay in therapy?” Say “I wonder what we can learn together?” List the things that are good about the relationship and the person or situation.

2. Relax, take one day at a time, and trust that it will work out. As my best prayer says, “May God grant me the Wisdom to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference -difference.”

3. Stop those negative tags in your mind. Sometimes we just have to tell our brains to “Shut the F— up!”

4. Stop comparing yourself to other people, you are not them and you have no idea what they have been through or will go through in the future! Just focus on you, focus on what you can control who you are! You have to trust yourself enough to know that it will work!

5. Make new and healthy goals and belief systems, for example one of mine is “You deserve a healthy relationship, and to be loved beyond the limits of this world, you are beautiful!”, and don’t be thinking I don’t say that shit every morning in the mirror with my three year old looking at me like I’m crazy!

6. Make a poster of what you want, need and want. I have one that takes up half the wall of my bathroom and people always leave my house saying they are going to go home and make one because it is beautiful to see dreams in color on paper! (and it’s like magic, it really works when you look at it and keep the picture in your head, yes I’m crazy so what?)

7. Always, always, always ask yourself “What do I want?” It is so important to determine and recognize your needs and I remind you that you are a person who can, should and want! Stop focusing on pleasing others and build your own lesbian self-esteem by spending moments of the day focusing solely on YOU!

Maybe Robin was right that I was doing this, but today is a new day and this woman will see a healthier side (well at least a little healthier, it’s work still in progress!)

Alex Karydi ~ The Lesbian Guru

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