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Vermilion Cliffs Sand Hills Loop, Bad As You Wanna Be
The land on this “walk” is under the authority of the Vermilion Cliffs National Monument. Do not damage or collect here. I see that “Tom” was in the Sand Hills East Branch on New Year’s Day, 1932. He left a mark. It was not a National Park then. GET OR TRACE. At the beginning I left “hike” in parentheses. Michael Kelsey calls this area a walkable area. It’s a volunteer wayfinding drive from start to finish here. It’s sick, brutal, gnarly, evil (and profitable). I love it. Can you do it? You will know before long.
Okee Dokee, Michael Kelsey is the only one who writes about this hike so go ahead and buy his book so you know what the mile marker is on Hwy. 89A on the Arizona Strip to turn off at. Now throw the book in the trunk and read this.
Kelsey is almost 70 and apparently still walks at seven miles an hour on straight inclines. Congratulations Michael, I see you are just as dangerous as ever. I bought your new 5th. Edition of “Hiking and Exploring the Paria River” and the pictures are in color! But you are still dangerous. Although the kids won’t need inner tubes on this one they will need a respirator. So not only is this walkthrough bad as you want it to be, but MK is also as lousy as you want it to be. Again, the good thing about this guy is that he goes where no one else goes (and sometimes he can get you to the track – but not this time).
Oh, I want to say that I am almost 60 years old and this is the second time I have done the Eastern to Northern Cracks Loop. I am in very good condition. It takes me twice as long to do stuff as Kelsey.
Most 30 year olds can’t keep up with me.
The walk: 6 hours, and we walked almost without stopping – ten minutes for lunch. #1396 is the route # you turn north on 89A. The parking at Jacob’s Pool is 2 miles north of this sandy road. The Jeep made it to within 1/8 mile of Jacob’s where the last lake was washed out. Get out of your car! Look north at the Vermilion Cliffs. No, not the northwest at a wide sand slide. There is a narrower sand slide to the north. That’s right, climbing is not possible. That’s slang for “you can’t climb”. Now, just east of this thin sand slide is a sand HILL. It is possible to climb. You are aiming at the very east side of this sand mountain. You can’t drive it again until you’re on it. We are going to do the counterclockwise loop. You can see why. It is brutal but easiest. Michael is full of blah blah but you don’t remember Rachel Lee’s old stone house. There are about 50 old ruins and they have no placards. So from Jacob’s walk, the old road east by the fence. He is right about being blown out as he turns north. You are looking for the main spring as it says. Cattails! That’s what you’re looking for! There is only one place with lots of cattails! Now he’s talking about an “emerging pedestrian walkway”. What in the world does that mean? Coming out of your chest like the “Alien”? I once had a record called “Emerge the Litter”. Does he have anything to do with the group “The Litter”? No, it’s not stacked as it says. About 6 people a year do this hike and they are all “hard hearted”. None of the 6 may appear here just when you are here. We don’t need stinkin badges. From the head of cattails straight to the northeast. The walking here is brutal and it doesn’t get any easier. Go home if you can’t hack the sand and ball bearings already. Start early in the AM and you can tell the northeast by the sun. Finally, about an hour from where you parked (at Jacob’s) you will reach the sand hill. Remember you want the true east side of it. There is an intermediate path here and there on the sandy mountain and perhaps one cairn somewhere. At 1 1/4 hours the path you should be on will cross a wash at a large black boulder on the right. Now in a few minutes the path will disappear. Look, this is a tough independent ride. The right way up is probably the washing “stair steps”, but we chose to go up because we had to go up.
If you want to follow me take the mobile follower looking clay straight up to the left. Do you want to go home now? The “Eastern Crack” is now visible to your northeast and behaves as such. Straight up for me. You are on the right track if you see the petroglyph lizard climbing up the wall to your left. This was at 1 hour 50 minutes. Michael counts 6-7 petroglyph panels. There is more to it than that. The second panel (also on the left 2 hours) is 6 nice Bighorns. At 2 1/4 hours you will see what looks like a dam (there are also several dead Juniper trees) as you continue straight up. You can do this. I’m 60. Kelsey calls this dam a “built cattle track”. Climb the wall and keep left on the path for about 5 feet where it ends. Now straight up again to the top (many other great pets.). 2 1/2 hours to the top. Of course Kelsey goes up and back to his car that fast. What BS for most deaths! Anyway, leave a big pile at the edge when it comes out (there’s that word again) from the crack, in case you get lost and have to come back down.
What next? Go west along the edge. There is only what is called easy and flat walking in “Hiking and Exploring the Paria River”. I’m no Jack Kennedy but I’m pretty sure I know how to walk on an easy edge. This trail is through loose sand, over and under rock formations, through obscure paths, blah blah. Anyway, reach an unused two-way (Bingo, MK is right on this landmark) in 1 to 1 1/2 hours from Eastern Crack. It took us 1 1/4 with our 10 minute lunch. At the dual carriageway look over the edge to the west. That’s where you’re going to go down. Let me explain something. The hike would have been easier about 1/4 mile inland from the edge but we wanted to stay guided to our Jeep and Jacob’s because we have learned DO NOT TRUST MICHAEL KELSEY. If you have not reached both routes in 1 1/2 hours return to your large pile and descend Eastern Crack.
Follow the path away from the rim (north) for 5 or 10 minutes. When it is due north away from the edge you will be due south. It is a bit confusing as the groove is reached down. The typical three-legged trapezoidal petroglyph tells you that you are in the right place. Now timidly I will credit THE AUTHOR. It celebrates the art of Northern Crack rock accurately enough to keep you from thinking you’re lost. The trek down the Northern Crack took us 1 1/2 hours!!! You will get “cluttered” 3 or 4 times but you can get around those. The Ancients did, I did, and you will. The safety is always on the left side. You do it because you don’t want to go back up the Northern Crack I think. I’ve never said “bad” as often as I did when I came down this chute but you’ll still understand that the right choice for this hike is going counterclockwise. Solving, dangerous and challenging. Don’t lose concentration here, tired or not. Focus on the work.
Finally we come to land at the bottom. Each hiker had a gallon of water when they started. He should be gone. Now the first break in the whole way is after 5 1/2 hours. Walk right in the gentle flat wash. When you reach the fence line leave the wash on the left. Go through a hole in the fence and walk across the country to your car. 1/2 hour after washing them at the bottom of Northern Crack you are drinking ice water at your vehicle.
MK made this loop in less than 4 hours. Chill out. I have loved walking for 20 years. Guy is mad … and writes walking books. I might be surprised how it knocks me off my feet. I will flip a coin. No, it’s crazy.
Oh, never try a hike that Kelsey says took 7 hours. You have been warned. DON’T BLAME HIM, HE IS JUST “THE AUTHOR”.
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