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Intimate Relationship Indicators & Stalking
There is a way to predict the future of a relationship. There are many reliable indicators associated with spousal abuse and murder. If the situation has several of these signals, there is cause for concern. These MUST be taken and considered in context as many people will have several of these traits. Focus on the big picture.
Stalking behavior is often associated with the personality described above.
• Stalking is widespread, with almost 1 in 12 women and 1 in 45 men being stalked at least once in their lifetime.
• Most victims know their stalkers and most stalkers (87%) are men.
• Almost 60% of female victims and 30% of male victims are victimized by current or former intimate partners, with the majority of these occurring during a relationship.
• According to the National Center for Victims of Crime, the average duration of a stalking is 1.8 years.
• If the stalking involves an intimate partner, the average duration increases to 2.2 years.
• 28% of female victims and 10% of male victims obtained a protective order; The order was breached in 69% of female victims and 81% of male victims.
• 26% of stalking victims lost time from work and 7% never returned to work.
• The prevalence of insomnia, social dysfunction, anxiety, and major depression is much higher in victims of stalking than in the general population, especially if the stalking is followed or destroys property.
• 76% of victims of femicide (the act of killing a woman) were haunted by the person who killed them.
There are 5 typologies of stalkers
1. Rejected stalkers are motivated by a desire for reconciliation and/or revenge. Their pursuit becomes a substitute for a lost relationship. Some derive satisfaction from causing pain. They often have personality disorders and are among the most persistent and intrusive stalkers.
2. Intimacy seekers identify the object of their affection as their true love. Some imagine that the person they are pursuing reciprocates such feelings. Many “star-stalkers” fall into this category. The indifference of their desired partner can infuriate them. Many intimacy seekers suffer from serious mental illnesses such as delusional disorders and require psychiatric intervention.
3. Incompetent suitors are those whose pursuits are supported by hope. Their pursuit of a particular person usually lasts only a short time, but these individuals, who are often intellectually limited and socially impaired, are unable or unwilling to appreciate negative reactions to their approaches, and so may pursue others.
4. Angry stalkers are often damaged workers who feel humiliated or treated unfairly. They may take revenge against a specific person or choose someone at random to represent those they believe have wronged them.
5. Predatory stalkers stalk someone in preparation for physical or sexual assault and take pleasure in inflicting sadistic pain. Many have paraphilias (impulse control disorders that are characterized by recurrent and intense sexual fantasies, compulsions, and behaviors) and prior convictions for sexual offenses.
The creativity shown by stalkers in their campaigns of intimidation and disruption is remarkable. Stalking behavior can take any of the following forms:
• Hyper-intimacy: the difference between an occasional phone call and dozens a day.
• Tracking and stalking: driving around the victim’s residence, checking the victim’s whereabouts, waiting in places the victim frequents
• Invasion: violation of the victim’s privacy
• Intimidation and harassment: attempts to guess
• Stalking by proxy: obtaining the voluntary or unwitting assistance of others in the process of stalking
• Coercion: threats
Stalking is not a one-time event, but a pattern of behavior that may include criminal activity and/or seemingly innocuous acts. Stalking often involves:
• Attacking the victim
• Violation of protective orders
• Sexually assaulting the victim
• Vandalizing the victim’s property
• Burglary of the victim’s home or other theft from the victim
• Threatening the victim
• Killing the victim’s pet
• Sending postcards or gifts
• Leaving phone and/or email messages
• Disclosing the victim’s personal information that the perpetrator has revealed about the victim
• Dissemination of personal information about the victim
• Tracking the victim
• Visiting the victim at the victim’s workplace
• Waiting outside the victim’s home
• Sending photographs of the victim taken without consent
• Monitoring victims’ computer usage
• Using technology to collect images or information about the victim
The basic strategy of any stalking is persistence. Perseverance only proves perseverance; it doesn’t prove love.
Stalking is a crime of power, control, manipulation and intimidation. It is similar to extended date rape in that it takes liberties, honors the wishes of the man and ignores the wishes of the woman.
If you are the victim of unwanted stalking: do not negotiate. Once a woman decides she doesn’t want a relationship with a man, she needs to say it once; expressly. Almost every other contact will be considered a negotiation. If a woman tells a man over and over she doesn’t want to talk to him; that she talks to him and every time she does, she betrays her determination in the matter.
The more contact is made between the two parties, even a negative one – police intervention, restraining order, visit of the offender by friends or a private detective – the more the behavior will escalate; creates greater attachment.
No contact is the preferred approach. This forces the subject to look for other solutions to his problem. With each contact you buy an additional six weeks. As long as people try to change the subject or satisfy the subject, it just keeps going. Implement strategies that reduce the likelihood of unwanted encounters.
Most people who refuse to let go are highly predictable. Don’t assume that the subject will react like most people. Violence requires interaction. If one party doesn’t participate, it can’t happen.
Change your phone number or better yet add another line. Let the old number continue to collect messages for recording to voicemail or answering machine. Ask another woman to leave a greeting on voicemail or on the machine (in case she’s calling just to hear your voice). A male voice often only prompts the pursuer to investigate further. Give the new number to those who need it and want to have it. Eventually, the stalker will be the only one leaving messages on the old number. The real message the stalker receives is that the woman avoids the temptation to respond to his manipulations.
NO CONTACT is necessary because of the stalking dynamic axiom: men who can’t let go choose women who can’t say no. A stalker may be so desperate for some kind of contact that if he can’t be a friend, he’ll settle for being a friend. If he cannot be a friend, he is content to be an enemy if that is the only position available. The way to stop contact is to stop contact.
Don’t send the police or a private detective on the pursuer unless they are able to completely overpower him, ie. arrest with probable charges and long imprisonment.
A very violent signal can be effective. This is not recommended, but still successful. If the stakes are high enough, most stalkers will change their behavior. Most people do not enjoy extreme physical pain. I have plenty of anecdotal evidence that this strategy is effective, even though it is NOT legal……it’s Assault.
Restraining orders work primarily with a naïve stalker who is unaware of the inappropriateness of his behavior.
Check your state laws to clarify how stalking is defined.
Note: If you suspect you are being stalked or harassed, talk to law enforcement officials, your district attorney, or assault prevention staff.
© 2009 Terry Hipp
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