How Should A 14 Year Old Girl Act Towards Parents The Charmer – Attacker

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The Charmer – Attacker

You can enter a room and find ways to entertain guests, even if you prefer to avoid the crowds. People are drawn to your sense of humor and charm. You are the life of the party and seem to have your act together. People would never guess that you are very insecure and afraid of rejection. You have difficulty managing your strong feelings of frustration and anger. You enter into relationships with people who easily submit to your opinions and show blind loyalty. Isn’t a relationship where someone hangs on your every word, deed, sustainable? How long can a person demonstrate unconditional acceptance of every one of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors?

Many with this personality type grew up in an environment where emotional, physical or sexual abuse was present. They were made to feel unworthy of their parents’ love and many times turned to drugs or alcohol to cope with feelings of rejection and insecurity. Like the Cultivator/Saboteur, the Magician/Striker attempted to find acceptance through peaceful behavior. He was unsuccessful many times and found solace in friends, drugs, music and other morally related topics. He learned his social presentation from media and social functions with peers. He found that using drugs helped ease his feelings of insecurity and fear when he was with others.

People addicted to drugs or alcohol can have many personality traits of a charmer/attacker. The spellcaster/attacker gains a sense of control by maintaining relationships with others who unconditionally accept his behavior. Many times the nurturer/saboteur is drawn to this personality type because of the charming ability to use humor and charm to show the nurturer that they are needed and valued. This is not to say that a charmer/attacker doesn’t need a nurturer. He is very compatible with someone who avoids conflict and ensures harmony in the relationship.

A charmer/attacker usually does not stay committed to one partner in a relationship. Due to drug abuse and/or lack of substance in the relationship, he is easily lured into one-night stands and other high-risk activities. When these or any of his activities are challenged, he becomes aggressive and threatening in an attempt to regain control of the relationship. His feelings of insecurity and fear of rejection will be exploited, contributing to his pathological reactions of projecting guilt and empty promises. His years of hurt and anger bubble to the surface in verbal and physical attacks. He will use intimidation and crude tactics to deal with relationship problems and force his partner to submit to his will. At first, he can use his charm and promise to change his behavior. As his credibility declines, he reverts to psychological and physical tactics to control the relationship. Domestic violence is a common theme in this relationship.

A witcher/attacker is a person who takes from the world to satisfy their needs without considering the consequences of their actions. Many antisocial (sociopathic) characteristics can be found in this personality type. The magician wants to bend the world to his needs and performs contrived acts of love and respect to entice others to give him what he wants. Because of his self-centered views and constant pursuit of self-gratification, he has not mastered the concepts of love, respect, and honesty. Remember that as a child this person was rejected and turned to other sources for their needs. He never developed a conception of morality other than what he learned from morally relative subjects. His destructive behavior usually continues until he suffers serious life consequences such as incarceration or near-death experiences. The charmer/attacker may be very skilled at delivering a loving and affectionate message to others, but they are only doing it to get what they want. At first, he may reciprocate positive virtuous behavior, but as the relationship progresses, he will perform these virtues less and less.

In order to move to a healthier state, the spellcaster/attacker must begin to evaluate the consequences of their behavior. Although he is self-sufficient most of the time, his behavior results in bad relationships and shallow experiences. He has not created a purpose and meaning for his life. These consequences must outweigh the rewards of his narcissistic and self-centered behavior. The magician/attacker must begin to accept responsibility for their hurtful behavior and address their own past hurts to find ways to manage their tendency to get their needs met at all costs. He must identify specific actions that are hurtful to others, along with the precipitants of his acting in a hurtful and abusive manner. Many people who fall into this personality type will need extensive therapy and support groups to help them identify the hurts they have caused others and keep their “demons” under control. For this personality type, the most common support groups are for addicts and victims/or abusers. The magician/attacker will need to identify the triggers of frustration and anger that are the driving emotions behind his behavior. He will need to develop ways to regulate his strong emotional responses to his perceived rejection and hurt while controlling his impulsive response in order to quickly feel good again.

The first step to a healthier state is taking responsibility for unhealthy people and substance abuse behaviors. See how you justify your actions to make yourself feel good while ignoring how your behavior affects others. Taking daily inventory of behavior and using love, respect, and honesty as a moral guide can help people with this personality recognize and repair the hurt they are causing to others and themselves. Second, the magician/attacker must accept that he will feel neutral and bad some days and not act in high-risk ways to get a “high” or feel instant gratification. Negative emotions play an important role in our lives. They let us know that we need to slow down and process our environment and relationships. Feelings of sadness, hurt, frustration and anger tell us to get in touch with the present moment and take care of ourselves in a positive and nurturing way. Abusing drugs, alcohol and people close to us will not achieve this. We must reach out to others and show love and respect while allowing these virtues to be reciprocated. By demonstrating acts of love and respect for others, we turn our attention away from ourselves and begin to shift our negative emotions into a more rational and neutral state.

Finally, the magician/attacker needs to develop the ability to let go of those fears and difficulties beyond his control. Negative emotions don’t go away when you fixate on problems and worries that you can’t control or change. This contributes to his irrational thinking and feelings of helplessness. In times of duress, this person will be inclined to look for quick fixes to rid their mind of uncontrollable problems. He will verbally and physically hurt others to release his frustration and anger. He will abuse drugs and alcohol to alleviate his feelings of helplessness and insecurity. By focusing on what actions he can control and treating others with love, respect, and honesty, he can begin to develop meaningful ways to approach concerns and problems while maintaining healthier relationships.

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