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All the President’s Women
It warms my heart to know that in this great country of ours, any little boy can grow up to be a president who can’t hold his pants line item veto.
When the news broke that President Bill Clinton had been accused of having an “inappropriate sexual relationship” with a 21-year-old White House intern named Monica Lewinsky and that he allegedly asked her to lie to cover up the affair, I didn’t. quite know what to think. So, as I usually do in times of trouble, I let the little voices in my head sort it out.
The voting Republican in me did a little dance and said, “Ah, we’ve got him! Slick Willy is going down! Someone call me Ronald Reagan!”
The pragmatist in me (he’s the earnest person with no friends) said, “Now hold on a minute, folks. Let’s not pass judgment until we have all the facts. Don’t forget what we did to Michael Jackson and poor Tonya.” Harding!”
Aaron Spelling said to me, “What an evil vixen this Monica Lewinsky must be! She probably made up this whole ugly story because President Clinton, the moral champion that he is, dismissed her dirty seduction attempts. Gucci hat, that would be, seducing the President of the United States! I’m surprised she didn’t try to sing at his birthday party!”
And the little part of me that’s a member in good standing of the “I’m a man, so sue me” club said, “Why, Bill Clinton, you old son of a gun…”
What surprises me about these allegations is that the focus is not on whether there was an inappropriate sexual relationship, but on whether Billy Boy told Miss Monica to lie about it if he was questioned. Telling her to lie under oath could lead to charges of obstruction of justice and perjury, felonies punishable by fines, jail time, and forced release of Janet Reno’s Panama City vacation video.
In other words, it’s okay to have sex with someone other than your spouse, just don’t lie about it if an independent attorney happens to stop by with a six-pack of beer and a briefcase full of subpoenas.
A recent network news poll found that 58% of women polled felt that even if the sexual allegations against Clinton were true, it had no effect on his ability to lead this country. Respondents described Clinton’s behavior as “typically male,” meaning: he’s a man, that’s what they do. I personally find such generalizations offensive because I know the typical man couldn’t get involved in a sex scandal with a 21 year old woman if he tried! Uh, I hear that.
Having lost all faith in network news surveys, I contacted my old friend and mentor, Dr. Beechwood A. Jing, Professor Emiritis of South Hampton Institute of Technology’s Hammond-Eggar Department of Anthropology, and asked him to do a little research of his own. (You may remember Dr. Jing as the inventor of the much maligned, mushroom toilet seat in the late 1970s.) Always willing to do his part for science and an old drinking buddy, Dr. Jing surveyed 12 coeds attending his freshman Apolitical Ethics Class, 4 cafeteria ladies he found unloading a truckload of dog food from the back of the cafeteria, and 3 female colleagues smoking Virginia Slims cigarettes and drinking international coffee in the teacher’s classroom. Dr. Jing asked these women a series of carefully researched questions about the allegations against the president. Of the women interviewed:
- 89% believe Clinton is guilty of sexual misconduct but will forgive him if he promises never to play the saxophone again.
- 53% found Bill Clinton sexually attractive in the “second-hand car salesman way.”
- 71% think the only woman in Washington Clinton isn’t sleeping with is his wife.
- And 99% said that if Bill Clinton had sex with a woman other than his wife and asked her to lie to cover his back, his behavior was not surprising because it was…typically masculine. Hell.
As someone who has painted himself into more corners than Wile E. Coyote, here’s my advice to Bill Clinton: Interrupt the latest episode of Seinfeld with a live press conference, then step up to the microphone and say, “Okay, America, you got me. I admit it. I had sex with Gennifer Flowers and Monica Lewinsky and asked them both to lie about it. And I tried to have sex with Paula Jones, but her nose kept getting in the way! So now you know the truth, America, I say, ‘So what?’ Do you want to accuse me? Do you want me to resign? Well, before you do, let me just say two words: Al Gore.”
“Mr. President! Mr. President! Sam Donaldson, ABC News!”
“Stick to the water, Sam. I’m not answering any questions tonight. I’m already late for a pint and wings at Hooter’s, and then I was named an honorary member of the Kennedy family. So good night, everyone, and God bless America.”
Secretary of Defense William Cohen perhaps said it best when he told Larry King: “I would have to say that he (Clinton) is one of the smartest people I’ve ever met. His understanding of complex situations is incredible. He stays on top of everything. I like practical president.”
Not all, Mr. Cohen. Not all of us.
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