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Sexual Positions – There Is More Than One You Know

Your 5x weekly bedroom gymnastics ritual has shrunk to a once-a-month lights-out vandalism. Where did it all go? Can it be fixed? All relationships need a little spice to keep the fire burning. Our suggestions for sex positions are much more modern than the Kamasutra and you can be sure that you will not try them all yet.

SUDOKU STYLE: Do positions 1 to 9 of the Kamasutra without duplicating any number in its field.

ENGLISH STYLE: Cover your face with the Union Jack and think of England.

PAINTBALL STYLE: Shoot random bullets at her from a distance with your weapon of choice.

BLACK WIDOW STYLE: Lots of fun, but someone gets killed.

MCDONALD STYLE: Yelling “I’m lovein’ it” while examining her McFlurry.

GARDEN STYLE: Plant your seed and watch her belly grow.

SAS STYLE: Hide naked in the bushes and catch her unawares.

CONTORTIONIST STYLE: Get as much of you into her box as possible.

MADONNA STYLE: Stick 2 ice cream cones on your breasts and act like a virgin.

MATRIX STYLE: Jump into the air at the same time and try to copulate in the air. Best in slow motion.

HELICOPTER STYLE: Paint an H around your checker pieces and watch his helicopter land.

DOUBLE BAG TYPE: Give her a head bag and a head bag in case hers comes off. Great for women stretched out while wearing beer glasses.

DOG STYLE: Grab her leg and rub it up and down until you orgasm. Best to try while he’s asleep.

FAT WOMAN STYLE: Roll it in flour and look for a wet piece.

SUN BURN STYLE: Only the genitals can touch.

KNITTING STYLE: In, through, through and out.

HOCKEY STYLE COCKIE: In, out, in, out, then shake it all up.

HEALTH AND SAFETY STYLE: They both don goggles, glow-in-the-dark jackets, and gloves and try to break in without getting hurt or steaming up their glasses.

TRAMPOLINE STYLE: Reflect alternately. He lands first in a seated position and the woman lands on top, aiming for penetration.

UNDER TRAMPOLINE STYLE: Usually follows the failure of the previous position.

ARMY STYLE: Get her to clean your gun using only her tongue and an electric toothbrush.

PINATA STYLE: Make them hang from a tree while you poke them.

SAFE SEX STYLE: They both lie there, not touching, just thinking about what you might do if you weren’t so safety conscious.

STAR WARS STYLE: Launch a surprise attack from behind.

STYLE DAVID BLUNKETT: Bring your dog.

PRISON STYLE: Put soap in the shower and stuff a flannel in her mouth.

007 STYLE: Choose your wife wisely because tomorrow she will be dead.

ESSEX GIRL STYLE: Make a woman wear white stilettos and say “you can see my kebab”.

ESCORT STYLE: Kissing is not allowed, however, licking and touching each other’s private parts is perfectly fine.

DIY STYLE: Usually done separately.

FRIENDS BACK STYLE: Do it with old friends and then you won’t see them for ten years.

DIET STYLE: Everything looks and feels normal, but it doesn’t taste as sweet.

AMERICAN STYLE: Do this when you eat hamburgers.

DELIVERY DRIVER STYLE: You wait patiently all day, but he still doesn’t come.

BANKING STYLE: Low interest means likely withdrawal.

DRIVER STYLE: After 10 minutes of huffing and puffing, he says “are we there yet?”.

BARBIE AND KEN STYLE: Attempt intercourse without bending your arms or legs.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE STYLE: Hang from the ceiling by a wire and try to have intercourse without waking her up.

ALIEN STYLE: Use your probe.

NINJA STYLE: He’ll never know you were there. Useful if you wouldn’t even touch the sides.

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