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A Perfect Marriage Still After Five Years
I am not a psychologist, nor have I had any training in relationship counseling. However, I have been married to a wonderful girl for the past five years and in that time we have never had an argument or yelled at each other. Every day is a day of peace and love and I find it as exciting now as the day I fell in love with her. Over the years I have come to understand her mind and I believe I have discovered the key to a happy relationship. It sure works for me and maybe it will work for you too. Let me explain that I am from the UK and I met my wife in Indonesia where we still live.
So let’s start with the award. Have you noticed that when you throw a ball for your puppy and he happily runs and picks it up and comes back to you and you pat him on the head and make a fuss about him and tell him what a smart dog he is? His tail will wag wildly (In the case of our Rottweiler, his STUB will wag wildly). He just loves recognition. I have a habit of forgetting where I leave my reading glasses. One day when I was looking for them, one of my wife Yuyun’s young relatives found them and returned them to me. I thanked him and said “Wow, what a smart boy you are.” His chest swelled and his face lit up. After that, whenever he had the chance, he would “find” my glasses, even though I knew where they were, just to hear words of praise. You know, we don’t really grow up. We just get old. I love the very apt saying “The only difference between a man and a boy is the price of his toys.” So how does this apply to our relationship? Well, several times a day I tell Yuyun how beautiful she is, how much I love her and how lucky I am to have her love. This has the effect of not only showing her that I appreciate her, but also that she WANTS to be beautiful with the result that she always tries to look her best. I make sure to never take her for granted. Whenever she makes me food, I kiss her and say thank you and tell her how nice it was. Whenever she goes shopping, she will go out of her way to find something special that I like because she knows I will appreciate her efforts. Whenever she comes to kiss me, I thank her. The words “thank you” when spoken sincerely can do wonders.
How about communication and understanding? I always remember some of my relatives in the UK spat on each other and the husband yelled, “What the hell is wrong with you?” to which his wife replied, “You know very well what this is all about!” But he didn’t… because he didn’t understand her. Yuyun and I spent hours talking about our childhood and past lives. After five years, I have a pretty good understanding of how her mind works. She came from a very poor family that sometimes did not have enough money to buy food. Her father had to go fishing or massage some of the neighbors to get some sustenance. She had no toys or dolls as a child. Growing up, she looked at other girls who were better off and wished she could have a cell phone or nice clothes like them. As a result, today he has an inner desire to be recognized and looked up to. We’ve been on local TV a few times because of the website we run, and when we walk around town, lots of people point to her and stop her for a chat: she loves this. Now, at 24, she has three cell phones and a closet full of dolls to make up for her disadvantageous past! So I understand what drives her and I work from that. Because I understand how she never had money and had to ask for some all the time, I let her take care of all the family finances. SHE has a bank account and a debit card, which gives her a sense of power. We are not rich by any means, we live only on my retirement pension. He understands this and is never extravagant. We go clothes shopping for her, spend $20 and she comes home happy. Based on her childhood experiences, she will walk twenty miles to save ten cents on an item. That totally drives me crazy, but it makes her happy, so I’m okay with it. My attitude is that she does everything in her power to keep me happy so I feel like I should reciprocate. It’s the same when you visit her family. I don’t speak Indonesian, I’m sitting there like a dummy, sweating and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes while she talks. I keep my cool by remembering that SHE enjoys herself and is never demanding and of course I love her. I usually end up playing with the family’s small children who are cute and where I don’t need language.
I suppose you could call it a consideration. Both Yuyun and I are respectful. If we see someone pushing a motorbike, we stop and see if we can help them. If we see a child crossing the street, we make sure they cross safely. This is our nature. I’m not sure everyone who isn’t considerate can change, but maybe you can force yourself to consider your partner’s feelings. For example, Yuyun likes constant attention. She wants to be hugged and loved regularly. I like to keep my brain active, so I spend a lot of time writing computer programs and solving Sukod’s most difficult puzzles. This requires a lot of concentration, trying to remember a series of numbers in my head, and I hate being interrupted. However, when Yuyun wants attention or wishes to talk, I immediately put the matter aside and give her my full attention. I always remember the story about the fish tank that had a glass partition. On one side was a large wild fish and on the other a small calm one. The big fish tried to attack and eat the small fish, but all he got was a sore nose. After a few days he got tired of it all and gave up. Then the baffle was removed, but the big fish still had no interest in chasing the small fish. The analogy of this story is that if you reject someone’s love enough times, they will stop trying and maybe move on to someone else. I really believe that Yuyun thinks like me because I am so happy with our relationship that I have absolutely no interest in any other woman. I can honestly say that this is the first time in my life that I have felt this way. Yuyun actually, even though she never gets mad at ME, she gets furious when other men try to hit on her like they normally do! “I have a husband who loves me,” she tells them. “What do I need you for?”
I should mention that someone’s culture will obviously have some effect on how they think and act. Here in Indonesia it is customary to take off your shoes when entering their house. So many people wear sandals that are easier to take off and on. When we’re leaving someone’s home, Yuyun gets ahead of me and bends down to turn MY sandals outward so I don’t have to. When I told her I didn’t really need her to do that, she replied, “Please don’t stop me from doing something that shows I love you.” Five years later, he’s still doing it! When we go shopping, SHE insists on carrying all the packages. When she’s really hard, I have to force her to give it to me. She doesn’t expect or want me to help her in the kitchen with cooking or cleaning. I am her Mr. Fixit when any equipment or vehicles cause problems. I actually CAN fix most mechanical and electrical problems as I’ve been trained to do, but when I do, Yuyun thinks I’m a real genius and tells all her friends how smart I am. She doesn’t care about equality. He wants to be a woman and he wants me to be a man. She starts wrestling matches with me, proving to herself that I’m stronger than her. She wants me to protect her from everything that scares her. He tells me what he wants to do and asks me if it’s okay with me. She knows I’ll say yes, but she likes to ask me anyway.
Sex also requires attention. How can you know what will please your partner if you don’t ask? When I was young, I asked every girl I met what she liked and when and how she liked it. I developed a knowledge base far beyond my friends and they could never understand how I could date such beautiful women when I wasn’t particularly handsome in person. When you love someone, it is a great pleasure to give pleasure to your loved one. Yuyun and I sleep together in the spoon position and hug each other all night. Five years later, I find her as hot as when I first met her. Part of this may be because it is kept in such good condition. She never goes to bed without taking off her makeup and taking a shower. Her body and her breath always smell sweet. We really live as a couple of lovers rather than husband and wife.
Yuyun wakes up around 5am with a bright smile that stays with her all day. She jumps out of bed, jumping and dancing while I try to pull myself out. I don’t know how he does it. She tells me it’s because she’s always happy, day and night. I can wake her up in the middle of the night, take her for a bike ride in the cold, pouring rain and she will STILL be giggling and laughing…even if we have slipped off the bike in the mud a few times. How can you not love a woman like that? I will never be mad at her for that. I get angry at situations, but I never take it out on her personally. When I start ranting and raving about something, she just smiles and says “Remember I love you,” and it cracks me up and I start laughing with her.
So the above is MY secret to a lasting relationship. Maybe you’ll find something there to improve yours.
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