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Movie Review – The Theatre Bizarre (2012) (Not Rated)
Anthology of Horror
The strange theater boasts seven directors, nine screenwriters and nineteen people with different producer names. You see, it’s a horror anthology consisting of six shorts and one wraparound segment. All in all, it’s like a hideous lab monster cobbled together from spare parts by people with no skills in science, medicine, or even basic crafts. As separate stories, the parts are rotten, as if they were pulled from objects that have been dead for months. Only one piece is a fresh specimen; it is an honest, provocative and surprisingly poignant story that dignifies the darker aspects of life. It’s the only segment with an emotional core, so I consider it the heart of the film – harvested from the body of a good person and beautifully preserved in a glass jar.
The filming segments, directed by Jeremy Kasten, are designed as live stage performances in an abandoned theater. The only apparent audience member is a troubled young woman (Virginia Newcomb) who lives across the street in the bedroom of an apartment with cut and tattered theater props on the walls. On stage are a series of actors covered in unnatural make-up; they are designed to resemble automatons, and their static movements are enhanced with a series of mechanical sound effects. The Emcee (Udo Kiers), whose stories are a series of pointless musings about stories and storytellers, becomes more natural as the short films progress. Meanwhile, the young woman in the audience is becoming more and more unnatural. As visually creative as they are, the encapsulating segments don’t adequately connect the individual stories and exist mainly to look at them.
Short 1: Toad mother, directed by Richard Stanley. Martin (Shane Woodward) and Karina (Victoria Moret) are a young couple vacationing in France. Karina buys pentagram earrings from a sinister old woman (Catriona MacColl), who piques Martin’s interest by claiming to own Necronomicon. Karina, disinterested, goes to the spa. Martin goes to the countryside to the old woman’s house, which looks more like a castle you’d see on a sightseeing tour. I can’t make heads or tails of the rest of the segment, except to say there’s a sex scene, some grotesque physical transformations, and lots of toads.
Short 2: I love you, directed by Buddy Giovinazzo. In Berlin (a wasted place because all the characters speak English), French woman Mo (Suzanne Anbe) decides to leave her German boyfriend Axel (André Hennike). It has more to do with the fact that he is obsessive and paranoid; quite simply, she likes to be unfaithful. She explains this to him in a calm and candid conversation that is not only excessively talkative but also laughably unconvincing. What do we make of the fact that at two points in the segment, Axel wakes up on his bathroom floor with a cut on his arm and blood everywhere?
Short 3: Wet dreams, directed by Tom Savini. Here’s a terrible Freudian segment that cheats the audience by constantly blurring the line between reality and dreams. An abusive and unfaithful husband named Donnie (James Gill) turns to a psychologist (Savini) for his recurring nightmares. In one of his wife’s vagina is a crab monster. In the second, his penis is served to him for breakfast. There are too many moments where Donnie wakes up screaming, making it impossible to track his dream states. The final scene, which unfairly reversed everything I thought I had learned, begins with his wife (Debbie Rochon) waking up from a nightmare.
Short 4: An accident, directed by Douglas Buck. This is the only good segment in the whole movie. It’s so good it’s a wonder anyone thought it belonged in this movie. It’s the heart I mentioned earlier. It deals with an unpleasant subject, and yet it is not a horror story; it’s simply about a mother (Lena Klein) explaining death to her young daughter (Melody Simard). It crosses between them lying in bed and the scene of an accident in which the girl witnessed the death of a motorcyclist and a deer on the road. The girl is not disturbed, but she wants to understand what it means. A mother feeds her daughter age-appropriate explanations, all the while realizing that some things really cannot be explained.
Short 5: Vision stains, directed by Karim Hussain. A woman known as the writer (Kaniehtiio Horn) seeks out women who are transient and drug addicts, kills them and extracts the fluid from one of their eyeballs. She then injects this liquid into her own eye and is flooded with her victims’ memories, which she then writes down in a disposable notebook. She has stacks and stacks of these notebooks in her dirty warehouse home, making her one of the most prolific serial killers in history. She then notices a pregnant woman and wonders what the unborn is seeing. Do I need to elaborate on this?
Short 6: Sweets, directed by David Gregory. There’s a segment here that’s so weird it looks like it’s been transplanted from an alternate universe. It starts out as a relationship drama in which an unemotional woman (Lindsay Goranson) grabs a melting ice cream cone while her cheating boyfriend (Guilford Adams) tackles candy that gets split on his floor. It turns into food porn, a woman dresses up like a fashion show reject and goes to a restaurant that looks more like an art gallery. The band plays while people are handed plates of nondescript food, which they pick up and greedily stuff into their mouths. Inexplicably, it turns into a gore fest as someone is unraveled before being eaten by the ravenous patrons. This segment alone proves it The strange theater an apt title indeed. I feel sorry for Douglas Buck. His short film deserved much more than being a segment of a terrible anthology.
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