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Change Talk – How to Make Change in Your Relationship
Have you had it? Are you tired of the same routine that is causing you more and more stress and less fun? Have you talked about making a change, but another month goes by and nothing has changed? Here’s how you can make some big changes that will bring time, fun, and intimacy back into your strained relationship. These ten tips for Change-Talk will help turn your warring partner into a willing and engaged team player.
1. Statement I. If you start with “You”, we’ve already lost! Say, “I want…” You need to decide what is most important to you right now. Focus on just one topic. The fastest way to become ineffective is to dilute your message. If you ask for many things at once, you will surely not get them, and then you start a pattern of failure. Your partner stops paying attention. Spreading your claims all over the map makes you powerless and ineffective. The important thing is to create a pattern of getting what you want, and especially getting what you need. Say, “I want a change in the quality of our relationship.” Who can argue with that!
2. Make an appointment.
Then arrange a quiet time at the beginning of the day when you and your partner can have at least an hour of uninterrupted conversation. This is a time to discuss and listen, perhaps with a third party, such as a counselor, trusted friend or family member. A third person acting as a mediator can help keep it more of a discussion and less of a fight.
3. It’s your fault. When everyone discusses an issue, someone’s feelings can get hurt. The more scared the dog is, the more likely it is to bite you, so be prepared to be bitten. Exploring the uncharted waters of your relationship is scary and threatening. Let your partner go and be compassionate, even if he or she is acting funny.
4. Everything is my fault. Don’t let one person take all the blame for the current situation, or the discussion will descend into self-pity and guilt-inducing whining. If you are willing to apportion blame, you can move forward and the discussion will move forward.
5. Anger and tears.
Loud “barking” may occur. When you or your partner comes close to uncovering dark, hidden, secret fears and insecurities, you may lose your temper in defense. This is when a third party can redirect and calm things down. Fear turns to anger very quickly. Try to focus on talking to your scared Beloved’s inner child and just ignore the obnoxious, angry, foot-stomping facade of hurling accusations.
6. Pat and be patient.
When you take turns getting upset, take turns stabilizing each other. Reassure them that you believe in them, love them, respect them, and want them to be able to control their runaway emotions. Only then can you return to the conversation about the topic you want to discuss. This is where most couples give up and never allow their partner to overcome their terrifying anxiety about making a change. Their idea of change may include the fear that the relationship may deteriorate rather than improve. This stubbornness can be a misplaced love for you, and while annoying, it’s also endearing. Remember, it takes a lot of courage to make a change in what you care about most.
7. Let it rest. After an hour of emotional bombardment of each other, reason and logic now have a chance to rise to the surface. Watch out for that brief moment when your partner sees it from you. When this happens, you both take a break and let the ideas brew and rise like yeast bread. If you touch it too fast, it will collapse! Agree to talk more the second time and leave it alone or you’ll have to start from scratch.
8. No cheating. Couples can approach huge conflicts and changes by letting Change-Talk run its bumpy course without trying to skip or cut corners. Once ideas have been fully expressed, listened to, emotionally responded to, and then thought through alone and undisturbed, a satisfactory solution is just around the bend.
9. Know your Matchline Gap. The key is to understand that you and your partner have different abilities to give and receive in a relationship, called the Matchline Gap. When the gap is large, people have to work harder to keep the relationship balanced. If you are the more capable person in the relationship, then the responsibility for establishing and maintaining this balance is largely yours. Everyone deserves love and happiness.
10. List your relationship priorities. There are your needs and your partner’s needs. Your relationship, a third and separate entity, has needs too! Both of you need to nurture your relationship. Even a great relationship will die if ignored – just like a nice flower. Ask yourself if you are wasting time, energy, resources and laughter. Empower your partner to catch up with wherever you are with Change-Talk, and then commit to setting goals and restructuring that will allow you, your partner, and your relationship to grow.
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