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Divorce and Your Children
All children care about is to feel safe and loved. Both are challenged by parting ways. No matter how much care and attention you put into supporting your children, some of them will blame themselves for the divorce. Children often feel that the breakdown of a marriage is their fault. Your goal in helping your children through this process is to begin the pre-divorce healing before you say the words “I want a divorce.” By building a stronger foundation of love and support before the news hits, you cushion your children from some of the shocks that come with going from “Mom and Dad aren’t happy” to “Mom and Dad are splitting up.”
No matter how young or old, there are three things your kids need to know:
1) that you love them unconditionally
2) that you will never leave them, even if you divorce your spouse
3) that the world is a good place and all life experiences are opportunities to learn and grow
When you are going through a divorce, this can be difficult to do because your energy is scattered all over the place. Anxiety, fear and stress take over the divorce process and your children will feel it. Minimize the effect by creating an atmosphere of love and trust while the marriage is on the rocks, but still in tact. This will give your children a sense of stability and security.
Most importantly, don’t focus on what you can’t do for your children (eg, “I can’t give them the family I always wanted,” “I can’t be a good parent,” “I can’t keep the house and the cars and the lifestyle they have used to.” Focus on what you can do.
Here are two things you can do to greatly reduce the short-term and long-term effects of divorce on your children:
1) Show your children real love with real words and consistent, quality time. Bath time, bedtime and meal time are very important. Create a child-centered routine that gives you uninterrupted time with your children. When the divorce process begins, your mind will be elsewhere, and the outcome of the divorce will result in fewer opportunities (due to new custody arrangements) to spend time with your children.
2) Try to know who your children are. It’s one thing to hear. Listening is another thing. Get to know your children individually. Ask questions and listen to the answers. Turn off the TV, Blackberry/iPhone, cell phones, Twitter, turn off the computer and spend ten to twenty minutes a day asking your child questions like:
1) What was the best part of your day?
2) How is the homework?
3) Which friends did you talk to today?
4) Who is your favorite teacher and why?
5) What is one fun thing you would like to do this weekend?
Also, when was the last time you visited your child’s school just because? Do you know all the names of his teachers? Have you met the director? Have you stayed for an entire Girl Scout meeting just because? When you go to soccer games, do you watch your child or talk to your friends?
Remember: your children are watching you, even if you are not paying attention to them.
Bottom line: Kids don’t remember the toys they got for Christmas or the square footage of your house. They remember the hugs, kisses and all the love you showed them over the years. That’s exactly what they’re sticking to.
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